It's Reunion time!

Coming to your future. 

In about three weeks time I will be joining a group of people I haven't seen, for the most part, for more than twenty years and in many cases, more than forty years. Yes, it's High School Reunion time again. I have decidedly mixed feelings about attending. What distinguishes this meet-up, besides my growing older and wider, is the playing field is somewhat more leveled by our respective ages. While we refer to ourselves and are referred to as solidly middle-aged, reaching two years shy of sixty seems a bit further along on life's journey than midpoint.

There will be those attending who have aged well. There will be those attending who have, with surgical assistance, maintained a more youthful countenance and there will be those who, suffering from a combination of ill health, genetics, plumb bad luck and questionable lifestyle choices, have crept closer to the decrepitude that comes with old age.

Dressed for Dinner.

Lest you think I'm being cynical, I can assure you, old age is not for sissies. I see examples of about once a week when I visit my mother in her nursing home. I try to time my visits around meal times. I do this for a variety of reasons. First, because it provides my son and I with an opportunity to engage others in conversation with her and we are then not bombarded with or limited to her repetitive repertoire of complaints and intimate ailment inventory. Each meal there serves as a kind of reunion of sorts. Names and faces that may have been forgotten are recalled, though they very well might have last met less than 24 hours earlier.

Some residents dress for dinner, some scream for it and some silently wait for their meals draped in their lobster bib-like accessory, mandatory dress code for both lunch and dinner. Her tablemates are an eclectic assortment of aged and infirm, joining us on their own steam supported by metal walkers or rolling in on their self-propelled four wheel carriages.

Most have trouble hearing and I wonder if after all those hours I spent at rock concerts, driving with blasting car stereos and now listening to my iPod, will have an early deteriorating effect on this most fragile sense.

In some ways it might be better. The hate speech and vitriol that fills and fuels what passes as News today frequently feels toxic. Perhaps in not being able to hear it, I might finally reach that Nivanian state of bliss, aka ignorance.

Poor little Dobby

When my mother first arrived at her new home, my son and I joined her at her first dinner. All meals are served in a spacious dining room and seating is assigned. As I stood behind her, at the next table a wizened woman who resembled Dobby, the house elf from Harry Potter, peered up at me from her power wheelchair.

"Hey", she cackled, " You're new here. Why are you here?"
"This is my mother"I explained. "She just arrived today."
"Really? Why did you bring her here of all places? This place is awful. The food is disgusting. It's a hellhole!"
"Really?"
"Yes, yes it is. How did you find this place?"
"I just googled hellhole."
"Aha hah hah."

Those hard of hearing residents in the vicinity could hear well enough to "get" my response and appreciate it. It was comforting to learn that while our hearing may fade away, a sense of humor appears to be eternal. I do hope we all bring it to the reunion.

THE LESS I KNOW

My son is studying Math in his Chemistry class.  They are working on something called Dimensional Analysis. Dimensional Analysis is the ability to transform any unit of measurement into any other unit of measurement.  For example, you might want to turn liters to cubic feet, or change miles per hour to meters per second.  The reason to do this, he tells me, is that often measurements will be taken using different forms, but in order to compare two sets of data, they need to both be expressed in the same units.                                                                                                                

Here’s what I think about Dimensional Analysis. If I give you my American Express card and I receive back that fabulous pair of size 8 Jimmy Choo leopard flats, I will be transforming that which is not mine into that which is mine. I would then compare my feet without said flats vs. with them and know that no matter what unit of measurement is used, they look great on my feet and I am happy. 

Now switch gears with me for a moment --This week I worked with a group of ESL (English Second Language) High-School students. Many are from Haiti; some displaced by the disaster, some arriving just before the hurricane. They are a relatively new population in the school and most have only been in this country and speaking English for a few months. 

My rudimentary French has both delighted and amazed these students. “Misses, where did you learn this”, they asked in wonderment.  Most ESL programs focus on Spanish to English learner, so it’s fun for the students and I to make connections and compare how the words and structure of the languages are alike and different.  

I have asked the Spanish-speaking students for their help.  Many come from Peru and El Salvador.  My even more rudimentary Italian skills -- 2 years in college with a group of voice majors, so I might understand the romantic librettos of Puccini--helps just a little.

We were working on Persuasive Essays.  The issue was Corporal Punishment.  The essay requires them to detail their support or rejection with reasons.  The students had just completed reading a story about a young man in the Caribbean who is severely spanked by his teacher in front of the class. It has no affect on his troublesome behavior.  I’m not presuming that this story or any other story will change what may be ingrained cultural attitudes, but I am hopeful.

To prepare these students for the writing exercise, I wanted to make them comfortable and confident.  I asked them to consider what words they might want to include in their essay that they weren’t sure how to spell or wanted to clarify and I would write them on the board for them and we could talk about them. I didn’t want them hung up on spelling. I didn’t want the flow of their thinking interrupted, especially in an age when once they have more writing fluidity, Spell Check will do much of the correcting for them.  Writing is thinking on paper.  Thinking is not about how to spell the word effective. 

Research shows that a learner’s attitude and emotional wellbeing create a better outcome. Happy and confident students learn more effectively. Students who believe they can learn, will learn. (Now think back on how many of your teachers embraced or practiced this philosophy in their classrooms…hmm )

We began our lively discussion. One student wanted clarification on the word Theocracy. We discussed Theocracy vs. Democracy.  We discussed strategies to use to help with understanding new words; breaking words apart, using context clues, -- even using dictionary.com*--   I asked under which type of leadership would you think Corporal Punishment was more likely to take place and why. Was anyone able to cite an example from history?

The blank stares back at me indicated the students needed some support so I suggested they consider the year 1492.   I presumed that at least the Haitian children would know the story of Columbus and hopefully the background of the Spanish Inquisition.  The blank stares just continued. 

I asked if they had learned about Christopher Columbus and the discovery of the Americas in their schools in Haiti or Peru or El Salvador?  They did not.  Even those growing up on an island less than 100 miles away had not learned anything about Columbus – a subject covered repeatedly in K-8 curriculums in this country. 

So like Dimensional Analysis, my ability to transform what I knew into that which these children could relate to -- to provide the conversion into like data, was sorely missing.  The formula for effective teaching is much more elusive than for Dimensional Analysis.  Who’d a thunk it? 

The more I learn, the less I know. 

* For one of the many papers I wrote for Grad School, I asked my son what he would do if he came to a word he didn't know in a book he was reading. 

"Turn on my computer, Mom" he replied. 

Duh, did I feel old. 

It's a CALAMITY!

The Unfortunate Jane

Words go in and out of fashion and one of the words that has disappeared at a time when I think it might be handy to resurrect it, is calamity. I like this word because while the dictionary definition is a sudden disaster, it has taken on a kind of wonderful nostalgic essence as well. And it is a funny word, like pickle – as in, we’re in one.

I am a stickler when it comes to finding just the right word. We have so many, why not use them all? For example, why have we been calling the disaster in the Gulf an Oil Spill? Did someone tip something over when I wasn’t looking? How does 4 million barrels qualify as a spill? How many rolls of Bounty paper towels, the quicker picker-upper, are needed to clean that up? 

I also think calamity has a specific value on the scale of disasters and points to the troubles of others. Consider the following true stories, to which might you apply the word calamity? 

Example #1: In February of 1987, Home Shopping Network begins selling telephones with oversized buttons.  Targeting their largely retired demographic, these phones allow the user to make a call without having to find their glasses, an early example of user-friendly electronics.

The phones are purchased from a grey market electronics manufacturer in Asia and are not UL Approved.  This is the off-brand electronics world in 1987.  Mrs. McGuire, a lovely retiree living in Kisamee, Florida purchases three of these phones for her home. All is well until there is, of course, a huge storm and the phone lines emanating from the home are hit directly by lightening.  This sends a jolt into Mrs. McGuire’s big button phones, which spontaneously combust and burst into flame. 

Mrs. M cannot call the fire department because all of her phones are on fire. The storm is quite fierce, Mrs. M is in her 80’s, and her closest neighbor is not home. Mrs. M’s home is destroyed.  She sues and receives an undisclosed settlement from HSN. 

Example #2: In 1987, Home Shopping Network gets a great deal on 100,000 rabbit skin jackets.  The jackets were a bargain because the curing process that the skins require was never finished.  To prevent the hair from falling out of the skins, viewers are told that each jacket needs to be put in a home dryer for at least 20 minutes, on high or hot.

 

The on-air hosts sell out the jackets in a matter of hours carefully explaining to shoppers what needs to be done to them before they are worn which is also contained in a flyer that goes out with every order. 

100,000 ugly rabbit skin jackets are shipped out of the fulfillment center, located several miles away from the HSN corporate campus.

100,000 bald ugly rabbit skin jackets come back to the fulfillment center two weeks later. Items sold on HSN at this time, are scheduled for airing based on the inventory in the warehouse.  The person who schedules the product sales (at this point in time, there were no segmented programs with specific merchandise) sees that there are 100,000 jackets now available to sell. They sold out so quickly the first time, let’s put them back on the air! 

The show hosts go back on, using the properly dried coats they have as samples in the studio and viola! 100,000 rabbit skin jackets are sold once again.  100,000 bald rabbit skin jackets are shipped out from the warehouse from the re-work center, which cleans up things like toaster ovens that come back with grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to the grill of the toaster. 

100,000 bald rabbit skin jackets come back, again. HSN writes off $3 million.

Example #3: In 1986, HSN rolls out across the country converting American televisions into retail shelf space. Over the course of nine months, UHF stations, all in major markets as well as cable affiliates will be carrying programming that will introduce a channel devoted to shopping into 40 million homes with an advertising campaign introducing the service to America.  There is no way to anticipate what the response of the market will be.

What I do know is that I am mailing 20 million pieces of direct mail and full page Ads are running in every major metro area newspaper offering $5 off the first purchase made.  TV commercials are being run where they are accepted.

As the responsible marketer that I was, I prepare an analysis of the advertising rollout and reach for Operations, which includes the phone room, where there are hundreds of operators waiting to take calls.  The Senior VP of Operations thanks me for the work and takes it to the President of the company.  The President decides he does not want to share the information with the company, which provides the phone service, GTE South.  He was paranoid about them disclosing the company’s plan to purchase the long neglected UHF Stations, which was one way of getting around the cable systems and creating awareness and demand in local markets for the programming, ultimately forcing the hand of the local cable service to carry the programming – a brilliant business idea.

The day the Ads and programming break in the Northeast, New York and Boston specifically, the whole Southeast corridor of the United States loses phone service for 12 hours.

HSN is unprepared for this and reacts by changing phone service providers. Never to leave well enough alone, the legal department creates a full page Ad that runs in The Wall Street Journal, with the headline “MCI saves the bears” with a picture of a teddy bear sold on HSN and copy about how they came in as heroes to the company.

Now flash forward 3 1/2 years later and I’m sitting in my office back in New York City, no longer working for HSN but still within the 18 month window of my employment contract which is threatening and intimidating and designed to be so.  The phone rings.  It’s an attorney for GTE who is counter-suing HSN for slander.  He’s heard I could be helpful.  How and why, I can’t disclose, but neither could I testify on their behalf and I let him know that.  He continued to call me up to the week before the trial. 

GTE ultimately didn’t need me.  They won the suit and were awarded $100 million for slander.  The Judge personally fined the President, who came to the trial draped in so much gold that he resembled King Tut, and Chairman of the Board.

I believe that all three of the above are calamities. They fit the bill because 1. They did not happen to me or anyone I know. 2. They happened a sufficiently long time ago. 3. They are worth retelling for their sheer entertainment value. These three elements qualify, in my mind, as essential to calamities.

If you are a relative of Mrs. McGuire, perhaps you feel differently, write back and let me know.